LATEST WRITING.

Here are some more recent items. I hope you find them of help.

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Today, you could...

Today you could let go of the past.
Since you know you can't change it, don't hang on to it.

Today you could leave the future alone.
If you have made the plans that need to be made don't waste time in anticipation.

Today you could enjoy all the present has to offer.
That's why it's called the present, it's a gift, it's life.

How to be happier. (Part one)

Here are five thoughts, based on research. Try 2 or 3 today.

1. Plant something and nurture it.
Caring for something, or someone, else changes how we feel about ourselves.

2. Count your blessings--at least five--at the end of each day.
And keep that list as a reminder to start the next day. You can repeat items but you need to write five each day.

3. Take time to talk. Have an hour-long conversation with a loved one each week.
When you reach out to others both you and they benefit from the encounter.

4. Phone a friend with whom you have not spoken for a while and arrange to meet up.
In the world of emails, texts and phone conversation nothing beats a face to face meeting.

5. Give yourself a treat every day and take the time to really enjoy it.
Most of us spend more time and effort meeting the needs of others than meeting our own needs.

How to be more happier. (Part two)

Here are five more items, again based on research. Try a further 2 or 3 today.

6. Have a good laugh at least once a day.
A funny book, a website full of jokes, a comedy club, a film, shared fun...go for it.

7. Get physical. Exercise for half an hour three times a week.
This is one most people don't associate with happiness, try it for a month and see if it makes a difference.

8. Smile at and/or say hello to a stranger at least once each day.
An easy one to test out, just do it and see how it makes you feel.

9. Cut your TV viewing by half.
OK, half might be pushing it, but do try and reduce it, particularly the time spent watching the news.

10. Spread kindness. Do a good turn for someone every day.
If you keep in mind the possibility of doing a good turn the opportunities will come to you as the day goes on.

I thought I was wrong once - but I was mistaken.

Admitting an error is very difficult for some people and it's to them that this item is addressed.
Here is the challenge for today.

Identify a situation where you were wrong and couldn't, or wouldn't, admit it.
Then:-

1. Acknowledge your error to yourself, preferably out loud and in front of a mirror. Go on you can do it, just say 'I was wrong when...'

2. Acknowledge your error to another person, preferably one affected by it. No need to make a big thing of this, just as simple 'sorry' or again 'I was wrong when..'is enough.

3. Take one action, however small, to make amends for any harm that resulted. The acknowledgement could be enough but try and go a step further.

Today, you could...

Today you could think of three ways in which your life could be worse.
And then rejoice that it isn't.

Today you could think of three things you could easily have got wrong.
And then rejoice that you didn't.

Today you could recall three difficulties that you have dealt with.
And rejoice that they are behind you.

His own worst enemy.

My grandfather was his own worst enemy, except between the years 1939 and 1945.

OK, that's a joke but there is an underlying truth that many things which occupy our minds cease to be important when we are faced with a bigger threat or problem.

So we do have a choice about how we deal with the issues in our lives and we don't need to wait for a world war to move on from things that are holding us back.

If something is a struggle..why not give up!

There are two ways in which life can be a struggle:-

First when you are trying to do something, learn something, be something, that is difficult and challenging.

Second when you are trying to do something or be something that goes against your own best interests.

The first is an invitation to use all your resources to achieve your goal, the second a sign you should consider giving up.

The distinction is not an easy one to make, here are some questions that might help.

If I achieve this will I better express my uniqueness as a human being?

If no one else cared about the outcome, would I continue with the struggle?

Is there a way of using my time and energy that might serve me better?

How would you feel if you met yourself?

Just imagine you have been introduced to yourself, without knowing it was you.

How would you react to that person?

If your answer is that you would like this person more than you like yourself you might decide it's time to raise your opinion of who you are.

If your answer is that you would like this person less than you do yourself you might think it's time to improve on how you show up in the world.

If your answer is that you would like this person about the same as you do yourself, be drawn to some parts, less keen on others, then congratulations on being comfortable in you own skin.

I've been wrong for the last 15 years.

This is a true story about a lecture given in London by a visiting American academic on a specialised scientific subject. In the audience was a local expert in the same field who's firmly held views were very different from those of the lecturer. At the end of the talk the local expert stood up and the audience awaited his comments and criticism. Instead he said quite simply, "Thank you, I've been wrong about this for the last 15 years."

There is something exceptional about the ability of humans to embrace a new realisation even if it makes a past belief wrong. The learning and changed understanding is seen to be of greater importance that any loss of ego.

Right now, choose one belief about which you have some deep and, so far unadmitted, doubts perhaps about a past event, perhaps a deeply held conviction about life.

Are you prepared to say "Thank you" to your new understanding even if you end recognising you have been wrong in the past?

Greyfriars Bobby.

In a graveyard in Edinburgh called Greyfriars is a statue of a Sky Terrier called Bobby who, after the death of his master, John Grey, kept watch over his grave for fourteen years, leaving only once a day to get food.

It's a touching story of love and devotion but it's also a warning about hanging on to a past that will never return. I guess when you die you don't want a statue to mark the fact that you stayed in the same place, physically, mentally and emotionally for many years.

What you are hanging on to that will never come back?
What do you need to let go of so you can start moving forward in your life?

What can you be certain of?

We all seek some certainty in our lives; it's a natural human reaction.

Here are the only three things, as I see it, that you can be certain of.

1. Time passing.

However we spend the time we have available, and it's the same time for everybody, it will pass at the same rate. If we waste it, spend it wisely, ignore it, panic about it, time will just go on passing without reference to us. So it's a smart move to make sure we spend it in ways that work for us, it's a scarce resource.

2. Things change.

This might well feel like a cause for insecurity but if you embrace the inevitability of change you will be better prepared for it and almost certainly better able to deal with it. It's the nature of things, people, relationships to change, not always for the better. Everything passes, good times, bad times. Resistance to change often causes more suffering than change itself.

3. Death.

This is the big one, for all of us, whatever our beliefs. Death visits everyone, usually first in the death of those close to us, and then in a recognition we too will die one day, and that we don't know when that day is. We do however have control in how we spend the time between now and that unknown date.

Today, you could...

Today you could spend less time thinking about others.
And learn to treat yourself with kindness, love and patience.

Today you could slow down the rush of your live.
And make time for yourself just to be, to enjoy the moment.

Today you could take some time out.
And use it to list all the good ways you affect other people.

Broooooooce.

This heading will be very familiar to any fan of Bruce Springsteen, it's what the crowd call out before his performance starts.

It also sounds like they are booing and that's what a well know singer who preceded him at a charity concert thought, and she left the stage in tears.

How many of the slights and rejections in life are caused by misunderstandings, here are some examples.

I'll meet you by the station exit. It turned out there were two, we both waited for 30 mins and felt let down by the other one.
You weren't there when I called round at the agreed time. Actually I had rushed my sick neighbour to hospital and couldn't let you know.

I was upset you forgot my birthday. I didn't but the postal service screwed up so your present arrived over a week late.

Next time you feel upset over something and can't check it out immediately, imagine a reason that wouldn't upset you, at least until you get the chance to find out the facts.

If you suffer before you need to you suffer more than you need to.

Is this an "If" or a "When"?

There is a difference between making a decision and acting on a decision, both are important but you won't act until you have decided.

That's what makes this distinction so important.

If you find there are actions you want to take but have kept putting off then at some level you are still dealing with an "if".

You probably haven't made a firm decision and are using the uncertainty about "when" to avoid making a clear commitment.

On the other hand you may be clear about what you are going to do, just uncertain about when you will take action.

Right now might be a good time either to act or at least to fix a date and time you are prepared to hold yourself accountable for.

A simple exercise.

This is just for fun. Stand in front of a mirror, look at yourself and put the biggest silliest grin on your face. Hold it and turn your head so you are looking up at the ceiling. While holding the grin and looking up at the ceiling clench your buttocks as firmly as possible and hold that position for the next instruction.

Now, try and be depressed!

This is not meant to be a cure for the difficult things in your life, it's not meant to be a treatment for depression. It does highlight that how you stand, and the expressions you make have an effect on your mood.

Today, you could experiment with that.

A better failure.

It's worth considering that you probably learn more from your failures than you do from your successes.
I'm not discounting success, it's a wonderful feeling to attempt to do something and achieve it.
But it can be followed by a full stop and the question "Whats next?"

There is also something amazing about failure when the task you have set yourself turns out to be a bit too much for you.
For a start it's an heroic endeavour, to try for something beyond your normal comfort zone even if you don't quite make it.
And the learning can exceed that of trying for something less worthwhile, even if you make it.

Today, you could attempt something where your chance of success is quite low.
And decide to learn from the process, whatever the outcome.

Finding the cheese.

When you put a rat in a maze with some cheese in the middle he follows the smell and experiments with different paths before he finds the one that leads to the cheese.
If you repeat the exercise he will follow the correct path with less errors and after a few repeats will finally learn the best way to get the food he wants.
If you then move the cheese to another location the rat will try the route that worked before a few times and then give up and try new directions until he is successful.

It seems that human beings don't act as intelligently as rats when it comes to how we run our lives.
So often we repeat a well trodden path even though it hasn't worked the last few times we tried it.
Here is a definition of stupidity; 'Doing exactly the same thing again and again and expecting to get a different result'.

The crash diet that has never worked long term before but 'this time it will be different'.
The approach to a relationship issue that has always led to a row but 'this time it will be different'.
The search for something lost in the same place you have looked for it the last three times!!!

If you are consistently not getting the reward you seek it's time to change your approach and find a new route.
Today, you could select an area of your life in which to apply this new learning.

I am a corpse.

This is a story from the therapist Richard Bandler. I'm not sure if it's true or if he made it up to make a point.

A man in a psychiatric hospital is convinced he has already died and is now corpse. Bandler asks him various questions in an attempt to convince the man he is still alive, but to no avail. Finally he asks him "If you are a corpse and I cut you you won't bleed will you?" The man nods his assent, at which point Bandler leans over and stabs him with a pin, deep enough to draw blood. He looks at the man, who has not even flinched, expecting him to accept this proof that he is alive. "Well, I was wrong" said the patient, "Corpses do bleed"

Whatever beliefs people cling to or depend on they will find evidence to support, even if the have to manufacture it.

Today, you could look at one of your cherished beliefs and ask yourself if your attitude has blinded you to evidence to the contrary.

The life we have chosen.

Like it or not, we usually find we are living the life we have chosen.

Yes, tragedy or illness can strike us, difficult events arise, but overall we end up with the results of the decisions and choices we have made.

We can protest, claim bad luck, bemoan our fate, wish things were different, in fact do almost anything except face up to the fact that we are responsible for our decisions and their consequences. And even if there are other reasons why you still don't have the life you would like you will be best served by assuming you are responsible for how things have turned out.

Today, you could act as if everything in your life is because you have created it that way and then, if you want to, you can create it differently.

Listening is hard work.

Well it is if it's done properly.
Let me suggest three ways of listening.

Accurate listening.

Very useful when you are receiving information e.g. 'meet you at 10.30 by the coffee house' although it's amazing how many people get even this wrong. Look out for a tendency to start framing your reply before the other person has finished talking, it usually means you're not concentrating hard enough.

Empathic listening.

This is helpful in more serious conversations. Here you listen to the words but also try to get in touch with the feelings behind them. This listening is characterised by an ability to respond in such a way that the speaker says 'Yes, that's exactly what I meant' Remember how you have felt when someone showed they had fully understood you?

Advanced listening.

This goes beyond accuracy and even empathy. Here you listen so carefully to the whole communication, get so attuned to the other person, that your response tells the speaker something they didn't fully realise. Responses such as 'You are right, and I didn't even realise that's what I was saying' indicate you are practicing advanced listening.

Today you could decide to try all three ways as opportunities present themselves.

Five simple acts you can take today.

1. Decide on something you want, it can be something small or a major life goal.

2. Check it's phrased in the positive, what you want, not what you don't want, and then write it down.

3. Decide on an action, however small, which you can take today towards that objective.

4. Take that action, do whatever you have to do to complete it, and, preferably, record it.

5. Decide on an action you can take tomorrow towards your goal and record that as well for when you wake up.

If you keep this process up for a week you will end up a lot nearer to, or achieving, your goal.

Question everything.

Emerson said 'The hardest thing in the world is to think'
But it is worth the effort and using questions is a great way to start.

Today, you could question everything.
Here are some suggestions.

Does eating this food support the life I want to have?

Am I spending time with people who enhance my life?

Why do I still feel this way over something that has passed?

Is buying this item going to be a good use of my finances?

Could I be doing something more fun than watching television?

As well as answering these, see how many more questions you can generate. It would be interesting to go to bed tonight tired out from just thinking.

Today, you could...

Today, you could stop making comparisons between yourself and others.
Rejoice in being who you are, and then, if you want to, make changes.

Today, you could stand out from the crowd or be part of the crowd.
There is no right or wrong way to be and it's your choice.

Today, you could decide on what you want to have done by the time you go to bed.
And start right now to take action towards making that your reality.

Slicing the end off the ham.

A husband notices his wife cuts a thick slice off the ham they usually have on Sundays before putting it in the oven. He asks why she does that and she tells him it makes the roast taste better and that, anyway, it's what her mother always did. His mother in law is joining them for lunch that day so he repeats the question to her and she also says it improves the taste and that it's what her mother did. That afternoon they go to visit the grandmother in her retirement home so again he repeats the question. 'I had to cut the end off, our oven was too small' says the old lady.

It seems like more of a joke than a true story until you reflect on the things you do out of habit that no longer serve you.

A challenge for today; look for an example of a repeated habit that is no longer of use to you, and then drop it or come up with a better approach.

The Greek Chorus.

In ancient Greek drama there was usually a group called The Chorus whose job it was to tell the audience what was really going on. The Chorus always told it like it was, no pretence, no denial, it had absolute integrity. The main actors played out their stage drama, often ignoring situations and information that conflicted with how they wanted the world to be. Behind them, The Chorus would tell the unembellished truth in a very matter of fact way.

If you have a friend who can be your Greek Chorus, not just tell you what they think you want to hear but give you their honest opinion even if it is difficult for you to listen to, then they are a resource beyond measure and you should value them greatly even if they sometimes annoy you.

There is also a Greek Chorus inside each of us, a quiet voice that knows what is really going on and tells us the truth we are trying to avoid.

Today, you could allow it to speak to you; it may well save you from future suffering.

Change your mind.

Your mind, like your body, needs regular exercise to maintain it, strengthen it and keep it supple.

Here are some suggestions you might want to consider and take action on.

Go out of your way to meet someone new, someone outside of your usual circle.
Read a newspaper with a view completely different from the one you hold.
Choose a type of TV program or station you wouldn't normally watch.
Go to a place you wouldn't normally visit and look for some new stimulation.
Try an activity you never thought you would indulge in, just because it is different.

And in each of the above look for what is good about the experience.

Sorting out my tool box.

Many years ago, I sorted out my very large and very full tool box. I tipped the contents on to an old sheet on the floor and then started to go through item by item keeping or discarding as appropriate. After five minutes I realised this was going to take well over an hour. I sat and thought about how to speed the process up and decided to just decide what I knew I needed and wanted to keep and then throw the rest away without looking at each item even if I might have missed something. It has since turned out I didn't.

So here is the challenge for today.

If you unpacked all aspects of your life, location, relationships, job, leisure, attitudes, and only took back what you really wanted what would you wish to keep and what would you be willing to discard as 'not needed on voyage'?

The closed door.

A young widower, who loved his five year old son very much, was away on business when bandits came who burned down the whole village and took his son away. When the man returned, he saw the ruins and panicked. He took the burnt corpse of an infant to be his son and cried uncontrollably. He organised a cremation ceremony, collected the ashes and put them in a beautiful little bag which he always kept with him. Soon afterwards, his real son escaped from the bandits and found his way home. He arrived at his father's new cottage at midnight and knocked at the door. The father, still grieving asked: "Who is it?" The child answered, "it's me papa, open the door!" But in his agitated state of mind, convinced his son was dead, the father thought that some young boy was making fun of him. He shouted: "Go away" and continued to cry. After some time, the child left. Father and son never saw each other again."

This is an old Buddhist story and in commentary the Buddha said "Sometime, somewhere, you take something to be the truth. If you cling to it so much, even when the real truth comes in person and knocks on your door, you will not open it."

The other side.

One day a young monk on his journey home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a barrier. Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The monk yelled over to the teacher, "Oh wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river"? The teacher pondered for a moment looked up and down the river and yelled back, "My son, you are on the other side".

I hope that made you smile.

Let me now raise an interesting question that you might want to consider today:-

Could it be that in some parts of your life where you currently feel dissatisfied you are in practice where you want to be even if it doesn't feel like that?

Perhaps that won't apply to you but you might still get some new understanding by thinking about the possibility.

What holds you back?

Is there something you have always wanted to do, an experience you have always sought after, an objective you have never quite reached?

Sometimes such situations do respond to greater effort, can be achieved with a final push. Sometimes however, particularly if it's a long standing unrealised ambition, it's good to stop trying harder and instead start looking at what is getting in the way, what is holding you back.

If you are having trouble getting in touch with what is blocking you try this.

Write 'What stops me doing this is....' ten times on a sheet of paper and then finish the sentence with ten different reasons.

Somewhere in the answers will be clues to what it is you need to face up to before you can move forward to your goal.

Knowing what it is doesn't solve the problem but it does give you the best place to look for a solution.

Six degrees of separation.

You probably know about this idea, that we are all connected to everyone else on the planet by an average of six linking people. So you know someone, who knows someone, and so on, an average of six times and then you are in touch with anyone in the world you wish to be in contact with.

It gives an added dimension to the question 'Who could help me with this?' You are not limited to the people you know personally, you can include the people they know and so on.

Indeed, via the internet, you can very quickly have contact with a whole range of people. So expand your horizons when you have something you need help with. What you need is out there and you do have ways of contacting it.

A couple of years ago I had a problem of a shower drainage that couldn't rely on gravity so I posted a question on a website. Eight hours later I got a reply from someone 5,000 miles away giving me details of a pump that would solve my problem.

The world is full of people who want to help, reach out and find them.

'Make my day'.

This is a well known quote from a film but I'd like to leave to one side its quite aggressive origins and ask this question.

What one thing could you do today that would 'make your day'.

It doesn't have to be major, but it might be. It does have to make your day special in a way you hadn't thought it was going to be.

Best of luck with this, and remember to enjoy the process.

How do you spend your time?

'Who knows where the time goes?' is a song title and also a good question.

Do you sometimes go to bed wondering where the day has gone, feeling you haven't spent it wisely?

If you do, here is a suggestion, record how you spend the next three days.

Just take a blank sheet of paper, or use your computer, and record every hour how you have spent the time.

Do that for three days, it won't take more than thirty minutes total.Then spend another half an hour reviewing what you have written and see if it matches how you want your life to be.

If it does then rejoice, if it doesn't then make changes and repeat the exercise.

Standing straight or bending in the wind.

When I was young I heard an address for children at my local church, given by my Baptist Minister father, about a tree that grew straight, never bent whatever nature threw at it and so was chosen to be the mast of a big sailing ship. When we had a hurricane in the UK I thought about that as so many straight trees got uprooted in the high winds and so died. Trees with more flexibility survived because they quite literally bent in the wind.

If you think about it it's not an either or situation, sometimes you need to stand straight and hold your position and sometimes you need to show flexibility, the real skill is to know which approach is most appropriate in each situation.

Today, you could be aware of the choice you have and perhaps even experiment to see which works best for you at a particular time.

A brilliant reframe.

The actress Joan Collins is married to a man many years younger than herself. She was asked recently if she worried about the age difference and replied 'Well, I see it this way, if he dies, he dies'

Just makes you smile doesn't it, a great way of responding to a difficult question.

A reframe is a way of changing the way you understand something to give it a different and preferably more positive meaning to it.

Here are some examples:-

From 'I just don't have an answer to this' to 'I'm interested to see what answer emerges'

From 'This is getting me down' to 'I have the resources to get on top of this'

From 'I'm too old/stupid/tired/down' to 'Any improvement is still making things better'

You could try some out today.

A daily quality.

We all have a lot of skills and talents and if you think you don't then one of your talents is that of self denial, you are brilliant at it.

So, you express yourself in many ways each day depending on your circumstances and the people you meet.

Today I want to invite you to choose a particular feeling, and yes, it's going to be a positive one, and live the day demonstrating it.

Here are some suggestions:-

Loving : Whatever happens respond with love.

Wisdom : Credit yourself with being wise, even if you don't feel it.

Fun loving : See what turns up that you can enjoy to the full.

Creative : Show an ability to come up with original responses.

Kind : React with gentle understanding to the events of the day.

The purpose of this exercise is to make today more fun, not to beat yourself up because you didn't manage as well as you wanted to.

Today, you could...

Today, you could learn to give an inch.
Where you might have been inflexible in the past you could show a little flexibility today.

Today, you could walk an extra mile.
Offer someone support like they have never known it before, you will both benefit.

Today, you could prepare for a marathon.
Some things in life involve a long haul, quick fix solutions don't apply. But you could start training today.

Have some bad ideas.

There is research on this item; it's not something I've made up.

When you come across a situation where you don't know how to deal with things try coming up with bad ideas that won't work.

You can be outlandish and outrageous with this, even have fun with it.

Two things will happen.

1. You will step outside your normal way of dealing with such issues.

2. Out of every ten bad ideas on average there will be one which has value.

What's to lose, ten minutes of your time?

Today, you could...

Today, you could surprise someone.
Act differently from how they are expecting, preferably in a way that makes them, and you, feel good.

Today, you could surprise yourself.
Do something you wouldn't normally do, take a risk, shake things up a bit.

Today, you could allow yourself to be surprised.
Increase your awareness, look out for things you wouldn't normally notice, let yourself be delighted by the new.

Random Acts of Kindness.

Practicing random acts of kindness is certainly not a new idea. Here is a definition and then a challenging question.

A random act of kindness is something you do for someone else without looking for personal gain.

It can be anonymous but it doesn't have to be.

Now the question. When was the last time you took such an action?

Today, you could make it a more recent event.

Timing.

An old joke. 'Ask me the secret of good comedy' says the comedian.' The audience member responds 'OK, what's the secret of ..' 'Timing' says the comedian interrupting the questioner.

Now some related questions:-

What is it too late for?
Some things are beyond recovery, the time has passed and won't return. It's time to let go, time to move on.

What is it too early for?
We live in an impatient world, we try to protect the future by anticipating it, dealing with it before its time.

What is it time for?
What is it just right for you to do today? What action do you need to take? Who do you need to talk to?

The only important decisions.

There are only two types of important decisions, ones that involve life and death and ones that can't be reversed.

Life and death decisions you probably already take seriously, they do tend to concentrate the mind.

All other decisions are a lot less important and ones that can be reversed are not that important at all.

Ones that you can't go back on need careful consideration, you want to make the best choice you can.

Decisions you can change later are just experiments, when you get feedback, if it hasn't worked, you can change your mind.

How to spell God.

Spiritual beliefs and religious practices are very important to some people and their stance should be respected.

But even the most die hard fundamentalist would have to accept that, at least on this earth, religion has been the cause of much suffering.

Wars have been started, countries invaded, families divided, differences exploited, hate fuelled, all in the name of God.

Also in the name of God hands have reached out to others, aid has been given to the stricken and great love has been shown.

Here is a simple suggestion, add the letter 'o' and put the dogma to one side.

We have far more agreement about what is Good than we do about what is God.

I think therefore I am.

This was said by René Descartes as a way of proving his existence in the world, since I am thinking I must exist.

For most of us no such proof is needed, we accept our existence; it's what we do with our lives that presents the problem.

So this phrase has a second meaning, 'You are what you think.' Your thinking may or may not confirm your existence but it certainly goes a long way towards creating your reality.

Today, you could act as if what you think creates your experience of events, it will make a difference to your day.

You can't avoid suffering.

We live in a world in which things do go wrong, tragedy does strike, life can be harsh and seem unfair.

Suffering is a part of life, you can't avoid it, it goes with being human. But you can avoid suffering about the suffering although it's a difficult distinction to make.

Suffering about what has happened has a raw quality to it; real grief lies deep in the body, not just in the head.

Suffering about suffering is of an intellectual process, a wish things could be different rather than a reaction to what is.

Either experience is painful, about the first you have no choice, about the second you do have some control.

Today, you could...

Today, you could make three small differences in your life.
Clear something up, let something go, make something better.

Today, you could turn right instead of turning left as usual.
You could do that literally to explore a new route and see what you find.

Today, you could forget trying to be perfect.
And make a positive change, however small it is.

Life does not need a solution.

We all have issues we need to deal with but life itself is not a problem to be solved, it's an experience to be enjoyed. It's a trait of western society that we like to solve problems.

Some people look out for them just so they have something to solve.
Some people, obviously not you dear reader, even create problems so they can solve them.

But life is not a problem to be solved, that approach reduces it to a series of events and we miss out on the full experience of being human.

Helen Keller, born both blind and deaf, two conditions that could not be solved, said 'Life is a daring adventure, or it is nothing'

Today, you could live your own daring adventure.

What should you not tolerate?

Most people, at least most people who are interested in reading what I write, like to think of themselves as tolerant, but that's not the same as being without boundaries.

Here are some thoughts on where to draw the line.

You should not tolerate the actions or beliefs of people if you end up being damaged.
You should not tolerate the actions or beliefs of people if others end up being damaged.
You should not tolerate the beliefs of those who preach intolerance towards others.

Most of the time it's OK to let others do and be what they want. The Flat Earth Society doesn't harm others, let it be.

Sometimes you have to take a stand against prejudice and intolerance. Some things just can't be tolerated.

What really counts.

What really counts in life is not where you have come from but where you are going to.

I understand some backgrounds make the journey of life more difficult but I also know a lot of people who are grateful for the struggle they have had in life. I also know people who wish they hadn't had it so easy, wish they had been more tested so they knew what they were made of.

Whatever your situation your future is far more important than your history.

Today you could act as if that were true, start to leave your past behind and move towards a future of your own creation.

Who is the thief?

Four experts were asked to test four employees to establish which one had stolen a missing camera. Each 'expert' was told before the test was administered that a particular employee was suspected, but a different employee was identified for each tester. In fact all the employees were telling the truth and no camera had been stolen but that didn't stop the 'experts' identifying the 'suspected' employee as the guilty one in each case.

Teachers when told the same class is full of bright children or children of lower intelligence tend to teach to the level they have been told about and so produce matching test results.

Look at some of the assumptions you have made about other people, or even about yourself.

Have your expectations lowered your standards?
Would other people respond to a greater challenge?
Would you?

You can if you want to.

The scientist Richard Dawkins tells a story about his wife. She hated her school and wished she could leave. In her twenties, she disclosed this to her parents and her mother was aghast 'But darling, why didn't you come and tell us' Her reply, 'but I didn't know I could'.

We all live with a lot of unchallenged assumptions about our lives, some date back to childhood. It's good to remind ourselves that we have far more choices than we realise, if we are prepared to deal with the consequences.Indeed accepting the possibility of choice opens us up to dealing with the barriers to us living the life we dream about.

You can...experiment to find out what works best for you, and if you feel you don't have a real choice about something you want to change then it's time to start examining what gets in the way and perhaps choosing to do something about that.

You can....change your mind, your beliefs, your relationships, and with each choice comes consequences and it's up to you to decide if you can deal with the results of what you have chosen.

You can...challenge authority, teachers, doctors, politicians. Nothing is written in stone, the choices you make are the tools you use to bring about change, they are ways of gaining control over your life.

Today, you could live by the motto 'I can if I choose to' and if the choice is too difficult look at what gets in the way.
(My thanks to CC for helping me make sense of this idea)

Facing the fear.

A man went to visit a friend in his country home. In the middle of the night, the man got up to go to the bathroom and found a huge deadly snake coiled up on the floor, ready to strike him. The next morning the host awoke to find his guest dead on the floor, lying next to a coiled up piece of large rope. He had died not of a snakebite, but of fright. He was, of course, just as dead as if the snake had been real.

Not all fears are false, but many are and even more are exaggerated in our minds.

Think back to a situation from the past that frightened you and notice both how you coped and how in practice it probably turned out to be less frightening than your fear.

Now think of a current situation you face, or a situation you have avoided because of your fear and consider how the same situation might look in twelve months time.

There is the often quoted phrase, you have nothing to fear but fear itself, and that's true sometimes, but some fears are well grounded and need to be faced with courage.

However they are rarely as bad as you believe they will be before you start to take action.

Today, you could take that action.

The critical voice is not your own.

When you were born it was without thoughts of criticism or of self doubt. You didn't come into this world giving yourself, or others, a hard time. These were all approaches you had to learn, attitudes that were passed on to you. It's not your natural voice that runs you down from time to time.

We all get messages from childhood, 'pride comes before a fall' 'too big for our own boots' and they are usually well intentioned and have some truth. But their constant repetition, the negative comments of parents and those with authority can lead us to believe the self critical voice is a valid one.

Certainly hold yourself to a high standard but don't run yourself down in the processes.

And make sure what was passed on to you is not what you pass on to others.

Forgive yourself first.

If it feels like this doesn't apply to you, read on, it almost certainly does.

Here is a three step process for today.

1. Write down anything you feel guilty about, something done or not done.
There are two categories:-
There are events that you can do nothing to change, no action is possible, they are past and gone.
For these situations move on to item 2.
Then there are situations where you can take appropriate action, either to make up for what you have done or where you feel you should have done something and didn't.
Here write down the action you can take and when you commit to taking it before you move on.

2. Separate yourself from your actions.
Acting stupid, and we all do, doesn't make you stupid. Screwing up doesn't make you a failure.
You are far more than your worst moments, and possibly somewhat less than your best ones.

3. Forgive yourself.
It can be a decision you make; where appropriate take the listed action first.
It can be a letter you write to yourself and then let go of by disposing of it.
It can be sharing what you are doing with a loved one, or a higher power.

Whatever it is, do it and do it today.
(My thanks to CL for helping me make sense of this idea)

A mark out of ten.

This is a simple exercise which will help clarify which areas of your life you need to give attention to.

In each of the categories below give a mark of 1 to 10 to indicate your level of personal satisfaction.

Health - exercise; weight; general physical well being.
Relationships - partner; friends; family.
Activity - career; leisure; relaxation.
Finances - income; expenditure; debt.
Self esteem - how you feel about yourself.

It's an obvious conclusion to give more attention to the areas with the lowest scores.

It's also amazing how many people don't do that.

Don't confuse your career with your life.

And for those of you without a career:-

Don't confuse your relationships, your home, your hobby, your beliefs etc with your life. It's great to have priorities, it's not so good to have only one of them.

Here are some reasons for this.

A full life needs variety, too narrow a focus makes you dull to others.
Creativity thrives on variety, one area of interest helps with another.
Life opportunities are just too many to turn them all down except one.

Today, you could expand your horizons a little.

Uncle Henry.

Richard Alpert, a Harvard university professor who later became a spiritual writer known as Ram Dass was sending out copies of his latest audio tape when his Dad, a noted lawyer told him he wasn't charging enough, the market would stand more. Ram Dass replied with reference to a case his Dad had undertaken for his brother, Uncle Henry which had gone to the Court of Appeal. "I guess you charged your brother a lot for your work" he said. "No of course not" replied his Dad, "He's family, he's your Uncle Henry" Ram Dass continued to pack his under priced tapes into postage bags, "Everyone is Uncle Henry to me" he said.

Who is family? There is no simple answer to that question except that we are all members of the wider human family.

Most of us are more affected by the death of a stranger in our neighbourhood than the death of a dozen unidentified people in a train crash in a foreign land.

If we really cared about the starving abroad, or in our own country, how could we sit down to a bigger and better meal than we need without feeling guilty?

We were rightly horrified when 3000 people died in the Twin Towers. A greater number die every day from malnutrition and poverty related illness.

This item doesn't even suggest answers, just suggests the questions are worth asking and considering.

Reasons and excuses.

There is one big difference between a reason and an excuse.

With a reason we will accept our personal responsibility.
With an excuse we can put the blame on outside circumstances.

It's sometimes a subtle distinction but the effect of making it is significant.

If I am late because of transport problems and see that as an excuse I am less likely to apologise, less likely to make better plans next time, less likely to hold myself to a higher standard.

If I am late because of transport problems and state that as a reason I recognise I could have left earlier, that someone has been inconvenienced and I can determine to do better next time.

Today, you could decide not to make excuses, even if there are reasons.

Be what you want.

No, this isn't giving permission to act regardless of the feelings of others.
But it is a statement of how cause and effect works out in relationships.

If you want to experience friendship...decide to be friendly when you meet people.
If you want to experience respect...show respect to people you come into contact with.
If you want to experience understanding...try showing more understanding of others.

And

If you want to experience anger...show anger to others, it rarely fails.
It's also true of rejection, being ignored, discounted, dismissed, etc.

It's interesting how often we act as if the opposite is true.

Why would you?

Billy Connolly, the comedian, is married to a psychotherapist. She tells of two clients of hers, a mother and daughter who were sitting in her waiting room for their appointment. Billy came by to see if she was free and in typical manner asked the two clients what their problem was. They explained that had come for therapy because they were not getting on. He replied 'Why did you ever think you would'.

Sometimes things just are the way they are, we don't take to some people, some circumstances are not as we would wish them to be, but, and here is the clue to making things better, how things are is just how things are, events don't have feelings.

To move past difficult times we need first to accept them in their current state and then we can see if improvement is a possibility.

Sometimes it isn't and then we need to recognise when a situation is unsatisfactory but not likely to change and leave it alone, spending our time and energy on things more likely to bring us rewards.

There is no rush.

And even as you read this you might be thinking this idea is wrong, particularly at this time of the year. You have so much to do; so many things demand your time, so much needs to be accomplished. Yet there is a place where there is no rush; it's just that we don't often spend time there.

There is no rush in the present.

If you are truly in the here and now you can't be in a rush because that state belongs to future expectations. That's not to say the present can't be busy, the here and now can be, and usually is, very active. But that feeling of being rushed depends on some future and yet unrealised objective.

If all this seems unrealistic, try it out. Concentrate on the moment and see if things change for you. You won't get any less done and there’s a good chance you will do more by making fewer mistakes.

Today, you could experiment with this.

Put off procrastination.

'Procrastination is the thief of time'...don't you just hate it when old sayings turn out to be completely true.

So, right now write down three things you have been putting off.
Select one of them and decide the action you are going to take.
Take a couple of minutes to visualise how you will feel when it is completed.
Don't try and make things perfect, accept any progress however small.

If you are still struggling tell a friend of your intention and get them to hold you to it.

TNT 'Today! Not Tomorrow!

Telling the truth.

Most of us are not comfortable if we tell lies to our family, our friends or even strangers.
There is something deep within us that wants to be straight with people, to tell it like it is.
It's interesting how we can forget this when it comes to our communication with ourselves.

So here is a simple exercise and if nothing comes up congratulate yourself on your honesty.

Take a piece of paper and without giving this much thought write down:
Three ways in which you lie to yourself.
Then write down the true situation that applies to each of those items.

Now, put the paper away for a week and then look again to see if the situation has changed.

If not you might want to take action to start being more honest with yourself.

Getting things wrong.

In 1935 when Albert Einstein, the great mathematician, arrived at Princeton University he was asked what he would require for his study.
He replied, “A desk, some pads, a pencil, and a large wastebasket -- to hold all of my mistakes.”

That is such a refreshing attitude. We live in a time when people, organisations, governments stop trying new things in case they get them wrong.

Everybody is held to account and there is nothing wrong with that in principle but we end up feeling to have tried our best and failed is unacceptable.

In the public realm it’s usually the media who emphasise failure, except their own of course, and the effect trickles down to all of us in our daily life.

We can learn more from our mistakes than our successes but to do that we have to take a risk, the risk of failure.

Today, try something you might fail in, see what you learn and allow yourself to feel OK whatever the outcome.

Hire the best consultant.

You deserve the best; you deserve to have the advice and support of someone who has taken the trouble to get to know you, who understands your inner thoughts, who can truly have your interests at heart.

And I know just the person for you; in fact they are reading this item right now.

For this to work you need to be able to stand back from your normal perception of yourself and look at how you are through different eyes.

Here is a suggested exercise.

Place two chairs opposite each other, or two cushions on the floor.
Occupy one space and think of an issue, a question, a problem that is currently on your mind.
In an ideal world say it out loud to the empty space, this helps but it's not essential.
Now, get up, leave the part of yourself with the problem in the original space and move to the point opposite.
Spend a few seconds allowing yourself to hear what the person opposite just said and see what insight you have to offer them.
You can swap over to keep the dialogue going for as long as there are still things to say.

If this doesn't work quickly it's probably not for you and you have just spent five minutes sitting down, no bad thing in my opinion.

There is no such thing as altruism.

Altruism is defined as the unselfish concern for the welfare of others and is considered one of the highest of human qualities.

Now I'm not certain the title of this item is the truth but here is an alternative explanation for what is called altruism:-.

We all act in a way which maximises our pleasure and minimises our pain.

Someone who devotes their life to serving others, seemingly without regard for themselves, does so because that is the sort of person they see themselves as being, and to do differently would give them more overall pain than pleasure, even if self sacrifice seems to act against their interest at one level in total it must give them more pleasure than pain otherwise they wouldn't do it.

Two things flow from this understanding.

First you can take responsibility for how you act. If you feel resentment at acceding to the demands others make on you its resentment at your own standards, you are acting that way because you choose to, not because you have to.

Second if overall you only do what works, you can start to look for the payoff if you find yourself acting in ways that don't seem to serve you. You don't do things without a payoff even if that payoff may be difficult to find so look for your higher gain, approval, praise, avoiding rejection. If you can create better ways of satisfying these needs you will find it easier to change unwanted behaviours.

All that being said, sometimes there is something so magnificent in the way human beings can act it's best to be lost in wonder rather than look for a more ordinary explanation.

Cut the clutter.

The approach of a New Year is a traditional time to think about clearing out clutter.

We often start with material possessions, disposing of things we no longer need and sometimes we stop there.

Here are some more areas you might want to consider for a clear out.

Emotional Clutter.
The grudges you carry; the ways of acting that no longer work; the friends who leave you feeling drained; the objectives you know in your heart you are never going to devote enough energy to.

Calendar Clutter.
Drop from your schedule things that no longer give you what you seek in life; cancel or don't make appointments that don't serve you; stop mortgaging your life without reward.

Trivia Clutter.
We would fight to save our lives for a major threat but seem willing to let it go in bits and pieces. Enjoy the inconsequential when you decide to but also make sure it's a decision, not something that just happens.

What would you still do if you felt great about yourself?

Assume you didn't need the approval of anyone, didn't need reassurance, didn't need to meet the demands of others or please them.

How would the life you would lead under those circumstances differ from the life you lead now?

Note down the differences, these are the price you pay for relying on your transactions with others for your self esteem.

Now ask yourself simply in each case, 'Is it worth it?'

Sometimes it is, we all like positive feedback, we all like to feel accepted sometimes.

But if the price is that for a significant part of your life you are trying to meet your internal needs from external sources you might want to look to change your attitude so you can stop living a life dependant on the reactions of others, particularly since that reaction is something you can't control.

Your best qualities.

Think of a time when you were at your best, when how you felt and acted were just right for the situation you were in. Perhaps you showed courage, ingenuity, compassion, understanding. Whatever these positive qualities are they are still in you and they are resources you can call upon any time you need them.

If right now you are feeling less able to deal with a difficult situation it doesn't mean that these resources have left you even if you are having difficulty in summoning them up to deal with your current circumstances.

However low you may feel the way forward is to take a leap of faith and assume you have the ability to deal with what faces you.

Today you could change that and find a way to bring the best of you to deal with whatever causes you the most concern.

The elastic band

This is a very simple reminder technique that can be used for a variety of purposes.

First find an elastic band that will fit snugly round your wrist.
Now anytime you repeat some unwanted behaviour pull the band and let it go so it stings you slightly.

Here are some suggested uses.

When you find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts that tend to bring you down.
When you are about to start an argument, be unkind to someone you love, swear at traffic lights etc.
When you fall into a familiar pattern of behaviour that you know isn’t going to work for you.

Do it with style.

This is a comment made by a writer about his visit to Japan. 'When I was in Tokyo, I went to see quite a poor family. They offered me a pear. It was presented like a flower, sliced into radiating petals.'

So much of what we associate with style is bound up in wealth, the fashion industry, expensive meals, fast cars and yet true style is expressed in the simplest ways as the writer found.

Today, you could look at something you regard as ordinary and decide to make it special.

Pick a quality.

This exercise can be seen as a serious attempt to change something in your life or a light hearted way of making your day more interesting. It's based on a comedy improvisation technique.

Take five pieces of paper and write on each of them a way of being that would be of help to you today.
Here is a suggested list:-

Courageous
Creative
Energetic
Determined
Spontaneous

Now screw the five pieces of paper up so you don't know which is which.

At various times today, perhaps when you have something difficult to do, take one piece at random and act with the quality you have selected.

Tough enough

We all have times when we feel fragile, pushed to our limits, hanging on by our fingertips, not waving but drowning. At such times it's good to remember what we have come through, what we have already dealt with.

I don't know anyone who has not experienced difficult times but, if you are reading this, you have survived them. Battered and bruised perhaps, but you came through.

I wonder if just before you dealt with difficult times in the past you felt strong and confident, probably not. But you did deal with them and quite possibly better than you thought you would.

It's worth bearing this in mind when looking at whatever challenges you face now.

Global warming and other concerns.

How worried are you about global warming? Say on a scale of 1 to 10, a high score shows a high concern.

Now, what action have you taken about this? Become carbon neutral? Insulated your home? Use the same scale.

If the second score is lower than the first score you are wasting time worrying to no good purpose.

You can apply this approach to almost any situation that concerns you.

If your level of action is less than your level of concern you might want to reassess your priorities.

How you describe it.

I was discussing with a friend an aspect of my life and said of myself, 'I do enjoy taking a stand against the general trend'. 'Yes, she replied, 'you don't mind being out of fashion do you?'

I felt great about myself with my description but a bit less confident after her comment.

How we describe things does to some extent create our experience of them and here is a short experiment.

Take something that is troubling you, it doesn't have to be something major. Write a couple of lines to describe your reaction to the situation.

Now describe the situation in a more positive way, without changing or ignoring any of the facts. See if you end up feeling more resourceful.

Next repeat the exercise with a more negative description of your chosen issue. Again note any changes in feelings.

If nothing much changes, this approach is not for you. If your feelings did change you now know you have a choice, when you want to exercise it.

If you have to err-

You are never going to get everything right, life is too complex, the demands on you are too great. There are just too many decisions to be made every day.

So you are going to make mistakes, on a daily basis, it's part of the human condition. It could be time to stop beating yourself up for your errors, perfection is not possible and probably not even desirable.

Having accepted you are going to make mistakes, here is a suggestion. When you are not sure of the right thing to do, err on the side of kindness.

It won't always lead to a better decision but it will lead to a better world, for you and for those you come into contact with.

Today you could check out this way of living.

I hurt everywhere.

An old joke.

A man walks into a doctor's office, 'Doc, I hurt all over' he complains. He touches his leg and winces, then his earlobe 'Ouch that hurts' He goes round his body touching parts that are causing him pain. He touches his hair 'Ouch, even that hurts' he says.

The doctor replies, 'You've got a broken finger.'

Some new learning.

It's very easy to make a wrong connection between a feeling we have and the event which we believe caused it. Some things are counter intuitive so it's worth asking the question 'What other possibility is there apart from the obvious one?'

If you are finding there are various areas in your life which are not working out as you would like them to try looking behind the events to see if there is a common factor you may have previously ignored. It could save you a lot of time and suffering.

A dance with my father.

This is a story from an age that is almost past us but the message is still very relevant.

A friend of mine, in her 70's, told me about the time that as a young girl she went to a dance in her local village and caught up in the pleasure of the evening forgot the time by which she had agreed to be back home. 'Looked up and there was my father marching towards me' she said ' my heart sank at the thought of being summoned back. Instead, when the music ended he said 'The next, and last, dance is with me'.

'We danced together and he then escorted me out of the venue and took me home without a word of admonishment. I will never forget his kindness and I never forgot the time again.

Here is the question. Next time you have to take action you believe will be unwelcome how can you handle it in such a way that you and the other person involved are both enhanced by the experience?

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try going to bed with a mosquito.

This is an old African saying and it highlights the reality that everything each of us does, big or small, makes a difference.

The chances are you will be far more aware of the differences others have made to you, the small act of kindness that changed your attitudes, your day lifted by an encouraging smile or your hopes damaged by negative comments, than you are of the difference you make to them.

It's time to be aware that you have just as much effect on the lives of other people as they do on yours, and indeed today you could chose to be proactive and have a greater and more positive effect than usual. So live today as if you make a difference, because the truth is that, like the mosquito, you do.

Referred pain.

This is an interesting, if uncomfortable, medical phenonomen where following an injury or surgery pain is felt in a seemingly unconnected area. So damage to a nerve can show up as pain elsewhere in the body, where the nerve ends.

The same can be true in our emotional lives. Pain, from childhood, from relationships, from harsh treatment can express itself in unexpected ways and we may not immediately make the connection with the event which caused it. If you do find yourself feeling unexpectedly vulnerable it's worth casting the net wider than immediate events to see if there is a cause which needs attention which might at first seem unconnected.

Are you the person you want to be?

If your answer to this question is 'No' then consider the following action for today.

Sit and think about who you want to be and write down the first three ideas that come into your mind. Today, act these three ideas out, perhaps 'fake it 'till you make it' because if you are not the person you want to be only you can change that.

So act now, make the change, however small even if you only sustain it for just a day. Then before you go to bed write down how you felt taking the action today.

If this exercise has been positive for you then repeat the experience tomorrow.

Beware of trying to be the person other people want you to be. You will be in danger of losing your own identity.

"So What."

This is a quote from the artist Andy Warhol. The full quote is ""Everything is just how you decide to think about it; just say 'so what?' "

Now I'm not sure this applies to everything but then I don't believe there are any rules or attitudes that apply in all circumstances. It's part of the challenge of being fully human that we have to allow for new reactions and responses to each situation that arises.

But I do think the ability to say 'So What' is a good skill to have in your life. We often make more of things, particularly setbacks and insults, than they deserve.

Think today about something you could, and should, let go of and then practice shrugging your shoulders and saying, preferably out loud, 'So What.'

Borg and McEnroe.

At Wimbledon this year there was an interview with Bjorn Borg and John McEnroe. The interviewer asked Borg how he felt about having his five successive Wimbledon wins equaled by Roger Federer. Borg said he was fine about it and noticed McEnroe shaking his head in disbelief. He turned to his old tennis foe and said ‘John, you and I are just very different people.’

It’s an interesting thought, how much of who we are can be changed and how much is hardwired into our make up? The answer varies with each individual but there are certainly some aspects of who people are that are unchangeable and it would be good to recognise that particularly if you are in a relationship with them. Some things can be changed. Some have to be accepted and lived with.

Today you could be more aware of that and perhaps you will stop feeling like you are bashing your head against a brick wall, not because the wall has changed but because you have stopped hitting it.

What is the most difficult thing you have to do today?

This item is about taking action, particularly on things you have been putting off.
Here are some clues about where it might apply.

If your number one ‘thing to do today’ was the same yesterday, and perhaps the day before.

If your number one ’thing to do today’ will be on your mind until you have completed it.

If your number one ‘thing to do today’ wasn’t urgent a while ago but is urgent now.

 

Then whatever it is, do it first, do it now, get it out of your life and move on.

It's never too late to say sorry.

Is there something uncompleted between you and another person that is mostly your responsibility? Perhaps you have not acted in accordance with your usual standards, maybe you have been misunderstood and, yes, there will be some occasions when you recognise you just behaved badly.

If the person is still around in your life and if the relationship is one that allows for an apology to be given it may be time to swallow some pride, say a simple sorry and express the wish that things can now move on between you.

But what if direct contact is no longer possible? What, for example, if the other person has died? 

You can still say sorry because what you need to let go of to complete the relationship is the part that is stuck in you and that doesn’t require the active involvement of the other party. You don’t need to be forgiven by anyone except yourself. You can say sorry by a thought, by a written but unsent letter, by a resolve to take an appropriate action, by confiding your intention in someone you trust but ultimately if you don’t forgive yourself the process won’t be complete

Today, you could forgive yourself for a past wrong you feel responsible for.

If everything was -

If everything was just the way you want it how would you spend the next twenty-four hours?

Have you ever found yourself thinking or saying, 'when XYZ happens then I will be able to move on?' It's so easy to put your life on hold until a particular wish is realised or a particular event occurs.

Your answer to this question could help you realise what is available to you right here and right now, without waiting. It might not be everything you want but it will probably be far more than you imagined.

So see where the gaps are between your dream and how you are now living and look for ways to bridge them without having to wait for an event over which you have no control.

What is the purpose of fear?

Here are two seemingly conflicting statements:-

‘We have nothing to fear but fear itself’ and ‘Fear is never groundless.’

It’s true that most fears never materialise, they are often based on misunderstanding, on a lack of appropriate information. Even if they do turn out to be valid their effects are rarely as bad as we imagine.

But it is worth asking what message our fear is sending us because often it’s not the obvious one. A fear of being late may have behind it a fear of being judged by others, of letting people down, of not being loved. You will have your own examples.

It’s worth identifying the underlying feeling and looking at appropriate ways of dealing with it otherwise it will continue to come up in different disguises.

1st question : What is my fear trying to tell me? Look for the message behind the example.

2nd question : What name can I give to this fear? Try finding words that are kind to you.

3rd question : What action can I take in response? Time to get determined and creative.

This can be a painful process and you might want to see who can support you in it.

What might you regret not having done this time next year?

Just imagine yourself in twelve months time looking back over the year ahead.

What opportunities would you want to have seized?
What dreams would you wish you had fulfilled?
What would you have done if you had more time?
What would you have done if you had more courage?
What risk might you wish you had taken?
What excitement might you think you had missed out on?

If you want to do anything then do it at the first possible opportunity.
So, what might you regret not having done this time next week?

What puts you in a great mood?
What puts you in a bad mood?

Sometimes life can be really simple; some things make us feel great, some have the opposite effect.

Write down three things that come to mind in answer to each question, more if you want but three should do it.

Now, the next question, where does your time and attention go in relation to this list of six items?

We all have to do things we don’t like from time to time but if your proportions are not of the order of 80% of time and attention on the things that put you in a great mood and 20 % or less on those that put you in a bad mood you need to do one of two things, or possibly both.

Change the priorities of your life so you spend more time on things that make you feel good.
And/or
Find ways of making the things you have to do but don’t particularly enjoy a lot more fun.

My experience of cancer.

Back in 2007 I was diagnosed with cancer from which I am pleased to say I have now recovered. I learnt a lot from the experience, from my reaction to chemotherapy and from my major surgery. Here are some of the notes I wrote.

Everything passes.

The good times, the bad times, nothing, including life, lasts forever. There is challenge and comfort in that thought, probably in equal measure.

There is only here and now.

If I don’t appreciate the present, the kindness of friends, the support of my loved ones and yes, even my chemotherapy which is here to shrink my tumour, then I miss out on a part of my life that will never come again and each moment is too precious not to fully experience it.

There is a big difference between meaning and learning.

I don’t think my cancer has any purpose, I didn’t cause it, and it’s just something that turned up. But it has the ability to teach me a lot and I’m going to get the best learning I can from it.

Experiencing what happens is more important that what happens.

Realising this has been something of a relief. I’ve always had objectives, a long ‘to do’ list and currently my only objective is this ‘Whatever happens, get the best from it.

When you are going through hell, walk quickly.

I’m learning through techniques of distraction, humour, reaching out to others, to speed up the passage of the difficult times and through increased awareness to enjoy to the full the times of pain free relaxation. Does this conflict with what I wrote about the ‘here and now’? Yes, in part and I’ve also learnt that there is no one description that works for every aspect of life. I love the inconsistencies and seeming contradictions.

Don’t wait for the evening to appreciate the day.

This speaks for itself but I do want to add a John Lennon quote, the truth of which I realise more every day,
‘Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.’

When do you find yourself smiling?

A dear friend of mine moved from the UK to Morocco a couple of years ago. Last year, after she visited the UK to see family and friends I asked her how it felt to be back in Morocco after her trip. She said it had been a long and tiring return journey but as she sat in the taxi approaching her still relatively new home she ‘found herself smiling.’ It is such a good way of describing an experience which just feels right.

Today, you could look out for such a feeling, with places, with activities, with people. What 'just feels right’ to you, what bypasses your thinking and because you find yourself smiling you know you are where you want to be, doing what you want to do and being with someone you want to be with.

And if you don’t have that experience today what changes would you need to make to move towards feeling that way tomorrow?

A different approach.

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then the new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every dustbin they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recessions really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re mad! No way, we quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Today you could find an interesting and novel approach to an issue you are facing, and make yourself and others smile in the process.

Shackles on or shackles off?

This question comes from the work of the American author Martha Beck and it’s a challenge to choose what works best for us in life. When we are shackled we are confined and restricted in our movement and sometimes in our thoughts, we have our personal freedom curtailed and as a result can feel hemmed in and unable to be ourselves. It's an uncomfortable feeling which can cause irritation and resentment. It’s true for most of us that a life of total freedom is neither obtainable nor desirable, we have commitments, often a home to look after, family or friends who we want to keep in touch with. But we also don’t want to end up with a life where every moment is accounted for by the expectations of others, by maintaining things that may not always support us.

So this question is one to ask first about anything or anyone new that enters our life, does this add to my freedom or restrict it? Is it shackles on or shackles off?

Then perhaps it would be worth asking the same question about things or people that are already in your life, is it, are they, shackles on or shackles off?

It will take courage to make changes and also courage not to if you decide some restrictions are worth having for the benefit they give.

Which way do the scales tip?

This is a fun approach to decision making and like most things on this site it will work for some people some of the time and with others it will just pass them by. It’s most useful when you have a simple choice between two alternatives. For example, you can’t decide whether to stay in or go out tonight; to drive somewhere or walk the distance. Sometimes relatively unimportant decisions can take a disproportionate amount of time.

One approach is to consider the advantages and disadvantages of each option, weigh these up and reach a rational conclusion. It’s a fine way to decide although it can be time consuming.

Another approach is just to close your eyes and imagine a set of old fashioned scales with a tray on either side. Place one option on each tray and decide that the lighter option is the one you will go for. Then release the scales and see which way they tip.

At the very least your reaction will give insight into your true feelings.

A useful question to ask about food.

There are probably more books written about weight and diet than about any other subject, and I won't be adding to the number with this short item. However some people have found the distinction below helpful when it comes to weight loss so I am happy to pass it on.

We, all of us, eat for three reasons, hunger, habit or emotion and it's good to know which of the three is around when we are having a snack or a meal.

Hunger - its very rare anyone in the Western World feels hunger unless they are on a very strict diet. So it might be of help to stop using that word to describe your feeling when you want food.

Habit - a far more likely reason to eat, and drink. We set ourselves up with patterns and our body becomes accustomed to them. Not a bad thing but it's good to be aware of what is going on.

Emotion - another very likely cause of eating and drinking and the most complex one to understand or change. Food does alter our mood but there are other ways of doing that which don't put on weight!

Making these distinctions probably won't solve any weight or eating issues but it might be of help and there's no downside in trying.

Your life won’t go according to plan if you don’t have a plan.

There are two ways of looking at this and both could be of help and support depending on the circumstances.

First, if you don’t have a plan you are less likely to be disappointed. If you don't have expectations nothing can fall short of them. As I have quoted elsewhere on the site, ‘disappointment take adequate planning'. Many self help experts talk about goal setting and while this can certainly be a valuable tool sometimes its best to just go with the flow, to enjoy the journey without being sure of the destination, to live a life that allows you to be surprised by joy.

At other times, when you want to achieve something specific, a plan of action can be the best tool you have. The more detailed it is as to the time involved, the resources required and the small steps that need to be taken towards your chosen destination the more likely you are to get there.

Two very different approaches, both have value and the life skill is in choosing which one is appropriate for which aspects of your life.

When do you really enjoy yourself?

When do you just have fun? When do you relax and let go? If you can't think of at least three situations which occur regularly in your life when you can do this it could be an area that needs attention. Take a couple of minutes to make a list, in your head or on paper, and perhaps ask yourself the question 'In what extra ways could I enjoy myself if I chose to?'

And there is a second meaning to this question. When do you really enjoy yourself? When do you enjoy just being you, not because of what you are doing, not because of your connection with other people but because you showed up in the world and have the experience that being you is fun. Whatever your situation you are a unique human being with an ability to enjoy your own company and today you could spend some time doing just that.

It's interesting that often the more you like being with you the more other people have that experience as well.

Good news or bad news?

Robert De Vincenzo, the great Argentine golfer, once won a tournament and, after receiving the check and smiling for the cameras, he went to the clubhouse and prepared to leave. Some time later, he walked alone to his car in the parking lot and was approached by a young woman.

She congratulated him on his victory and then told him that her child was seriously ill and near death. She did not know how she could pay the doctor’s bills and hospital expenses.

De Vincenzo was touched by her story, and he took out a pen and endorsed his winning check for payment to the woman. "Make some good days for the baby," he said as he pressed the check into her hand.

The next week he was having lunch in a country club when a Professional Golf Association official came to his table. "Some of the boys in the parking lot last week told me you met a young woman there after you won that tournament." De Vincenzo nodded. "Well," said the official, "I have news for you. She’s a phony. She has no sick baby. She’s not even married. She fleeced you, my friend."

"You mean there is no baby who is dying?" said De Vincenzo.

"That’s right," said the official.

"That’s the best good news I’ve heard all week." De Vincenzo said.

It depends on how you see things. You can be bitter after being cheated. Or you can choose to move on with your life.

(Thank you Relna for passing on this life enhancing story.) 

Happiness. (1)

A group of tourists sits in a bus that is passing through beautiful countryside; lakes and mountains and green fields and rivers. But the shades of the bus are pulled down so they do not have the slightest idea of what lies outside. All their time is spent in squabbling over who will have the best seat, who is the most powerful, who is the most popular. And so it continues till the journey's end. (Anthony de Mello).

It’s so easy to be so over involved in the details of life that we miss the beauty that lies all around us. True happiness doesn’t come from the temporary satisfactions of power, money and popularity or even from having friends and good health. If that seems difficult to accept think of people who have a lot of these things and who are still not happy. Then think of people who lack many on that list and yet seem to be happy in their life.

In truth there is nothing external you have to get in order to be happy but so many of us think there is that it’s become a generally accepted truth, aided, of course by the media and the advertising industry. The satisfaction that comes through achievement is, at best, temporary, that time of happiness when you have achieved something you want rarely lasts and the next thing on the list becomes your focus.

If you go through life trying to make yourself happy then happiness will almost certainly elude you. By all means strive for what you want but first, appreciate what you already have and then realise that most of the pleasure is in the striving, not in the getting.

Happiness. (2)

Here is a well researched short cut to happiness; give to someone else and it's your happiness that will increase, usually along with theirs.

In a university experiment (University of British Columbia) participants were each given $20 dollars. Half were told to treat themselves to a self-indulgent present, and the others to spend their unexpected windfall on someone else. Participants who spent the money on others were significantly happier that those who treated themselves to luxury gifts. 

There is good clinical research via brain scanning to explain this. That part of your brain which is activated when you see others being helped by your efforts is the same part that is activated when your own needs are met. So, helping others has a direct effect on your brain that, in turn, makes you happier.

There are many good reasons to reach out and help other people but it's great to know that whatever the other reasons you are likely to feel good as a result. And if that's the only reason for doing it...it's still being done.

You can’t fake action. (1)

There is an old joke that goes ‘What’s important in life is sincerity, once you can fake that you can fool anybody’.

Sometimes it’s difficult to know why people do things; sometimes it’s even difficult to know why we ourselves do things. Human motivation is complicated and we can seek to fool others and ourselves with our good intentions. What is real, what is pretended? Do I smile in greeting at someone I don’t want to see? Do I give money to a man in the street who asks for my help out of a sense of guilt or out of the goodness of my heart?  Do I reach out to others because I really care or because I want to look good?

It is possible to fake our intentions but consider this; it’s not really possible to fake our actions.

Some years ago a US telecoms company made a promise to donate a percentage of its profits to charity and announced it in an advert.

“You may think we are doing this for the publicity, you may think we are doing it to get more business, you may think we are doing it so we will feel good about ourselves….what does it matter…we’re doing it’.

Sometimes it’s best not to stop to think about your intentions, in the end it’s doing it that makes the difference.

You can’t fake action. (2)

Story One.

The driver swerved to avoid to avoid a stray animal and, his reaction, dulled by alcohol, was too slow to see the little girl emerging from a gate. He would remember the sound of the impact for the rest of his life, a life dominated by the shame of his failure to stop and offer help. His financial support of a child in a third world country was an inadequate attempt to assuage his guilt.

Story Two.

They were both amazed at their good fortune; they had played the national lottery with the same numbers for years and never had a win of any sort. The 0’s on the cheque seemed to go on forever and they felt so happy that their lives would be changed. They wanted their fortune to benefit others and so signed up to give financial support, remarkably small considering their new wealth, to a child far away.

Story 3.

The elderly lady felt she has lost everything after the death of her husband, her son now lived on the other side of the world and most of their friends had passed on. She knew she needed to cut back on her spending just to survive but felt the continued support of ‘their’ child in foreign lands was an ongoing connection to the happy marriage she and her husband had shared.

 

A few thousand miles away three children played together after their school lessons while their parents watched and reflected on the fortune of the education now available. They knew little of the origin of the funds that supported their village and probably would not have cared even if they had been told.

Sometimes it’s best not to stop to think about the intentions of others when it’s what they do that makes the difference.

Why is our 'fate' usually negative?

It’s interesting to notice when people refer to things that are ‘meant to be’, events that they describe as ‘fate’, they are more often than not talking about something that has gone wrong rather than something that has turned out well. This isn’t the place to debate whether such ‘fate’ exists, everyone will have their own view on that and as with most deeply held views it’s usually best to leave them be rather than raise the energy in the situation by mounting a direct challenge, unless asked to. But that doesn’t stop the art of gentle questioning and the association of fate with negative news is worth exploring.

Perhaps it’s just we like to think what goes wrong is nothing to do with us whereas we are more than willing to take the credit for things that turn out well.

Perhaps it’s a way of avoiding facing our disappointments, the idea of some guiding force behind it all suggests whatever happens is all for the best.

Maybe we are shifting the responsibility for our mistakes from ourselves to something external to us over which we have no control.

Whatever the reasons it’s interesting to consider why we so often credit this power with causing things to go wrong and how little we stop to give thanks for what has gone right.

We mostly make allowances for what we can see.

In every country in the world there are laws preventing physical abuse
While the detail might vary, in some countries it’s against to law to smack and in others that’s allowed, but real physical violence is always illegal, and rightly so. But there are few laws that protect children from emotional abuse, the infant who is not held, the toddler who is constantly criticised, the child who is never told they are loved, indeed often told the opposite. The same authorities who would take action when a bruised child comes to school are powerless to act when a child is withdrawn or not able to connect socially.

Similarly if we see someone in a wheelchair we don’t expect them to climb the stairs, if we see someone using a crutch then we are unlikely to ask them to run to catch a bus. Because physical problems show up we tend to make allowances. But how many of us have expected someone with emotional problems, someone who doesn’t process information as we do, someone who lacks empathy skills, how often have we expected them to make more of an effort, to act in an a way that is no more possible for them that it is for a blind person to read a book in the way a sighted person can.

There are no easy answers here. It’s right that we should encourage each other to do our very best despite the problems life has thrown at us but equally if we show less sympathy for someone just because their problems are not physically evident are we not making the same mistake as the state makes over emotionally deprived children?

Can this be measured?

It’s a very human characteristic to measure things, sometimes using numbers ‘I’ve been waiting for 15 minutes’, 'I’ve told you 10 times’ sometimes in a more general way, ‘this has been going on for months’,  ‘I’m getting more and more impatient'. We check how much weight we have lost, how much money we have to last us to our next payday, how many miles there are to go to the end of our journey.

There is another human tendency, what you can measure you usually try to improve. If we had only a rough idea of sports records then going faster or throwing longer would not be a clear target and equally if we have a general aim of losing weight or working harder we are less likely to make the required effort and less likely to get to where we want to go, notice how far we have gone on the journey and, sometimes, even notice when we have arrived.

Being specific about our aims, making targets clear is one of the best motivators there is. Here are some examples.

I need to get up earlier is not as motivating as I need to get up by 7.00am.

I want to shed some weight motivates less than I want to drop 6lbs in the next month or be size 10 by the 25th.

I have to have more money is an objective that can never be satisfied, I will add 25% to my earnings by this time next year is much better.

When there is something you want to achieve, a change you want to make, try to make it as specific as possible, put some numbers to it, put a date on it. It makes it much more likely you will get to where you want to go and having a way of measuring your progress may well add to the enjoyment of the journey.

Why do we give what we really want to receive?

There is what is called ‘The Golden Rule’, treat others as you want to be treated and in many ways that’s sound advice and the world would be a far better place if we all acted that way. But it’s not foolproof and it might be good to look behind the idea at what sometimes happens in practice.

Sometimes in treating people the way we want to be treated we are doing literally that, treating them as we want rather than as they want. For example, someone might love receiving gifts and so shower their loved one with presents when that person does not really enjoy getting gifts. There are many men who ’solve’ the problems their women partners present in conversation when in fact the women don’t want solutions, they want to be heard. But the men want solutions, and want to be the source of such solutions and so that is what they give, what they themselves want. Similarly many a woman has sought to show her love by cooking food for a partner who might well prefer to go for a brisk walk or have a conversation about a problem they face.

It’s worth looking at how you ‘give’ to those close to you and perhaps checking they are getting what they want rather than having to put up with what you want to give.

‘How can I help?' is a great question to ask to elicit a response which makes what another person wants very clear.

The wow experience.

This is a great story by Rob Gilbert, I don’t have anything to add other than ‘thank you’ to Relna for passing it to me.

'Last spring I was walking in a park. A short distance ahead of me was a mom and her three-year-old daughter. The little girl was holding on to a string that was attached to a helium balloon. All of a sudden, a sharp gust of wind took the balloon from the little girl. I braced myself for some screaming and crying. But, no! As the little girl turned to watch her balloon go skyward, she gleefully shouted out, "Wow"!
 
I didn't realize it at that moment, but that little girl taught me something. Later that day, I received a phone call from a person with news of an unexpected problem. I felt like responding with "Oh no, what should we do?" But remembering that little girl, I found myself saying, "Wow, that's interesting! How can I help you?"
 
One thing's for sure - life's always going to keep us off balance with its unexpected problems. That's a given. What's not preordained is our response. We can choose to be frustrated or fascinated. No matter what the situation, a fascinated "Wow!" will always beat a frustrated "Oh, no."
 
So the next time you experience one of life's unexpected gusts, remember that little girl and make it a "Wow!" experience. The "Wow!" response always works.'

An hour a day.

It’s a general characteristic of human beings that we overestimate what we can achieve in a day and underestimate what we can achieve in a year.

If you think of something you have always wanted to be able to do, speak a new language, improve your computer skills, write a book, get fit, and then imagine you have the luxury of being given two whole months to devote full time to that, eight hours a day, five days a week for eight weeks. Just think of the level of skill you could have. You might even choose to go for more than one of your wishes, a month studying cooking would make you a real force in the kitchen and then, say, a month learning to play tennis or golf. It might not make you a champion but you would certainly be winning more matches.

So what if all you did was spend an hour a day on your chosen subject or subjects for the next year? Well in twelve months from now you would have spent even more time learning and practicing than if you had taken two months off to spend on this full time.

Makes you think doesn’t it.

Today you could make a start by spending an hour on an activity of your choice.

Procrastination.

Like most things on this website this idea won’t work for everybody and won’t apply to every situation but there are certainly circumstances and individuals where it can be of help. If you find you keep putting things off, this article could be for you.

A lot of people have trouble getting started on something, even if it’s something they want or feel they have to do. But, and this is the interesting bit, it’s usually only individuals who postpone what needs doing, groups very rarely procrastinate. There does then seem to be a connection between putting things off and loneliness. Not with being on your own in a general sense but with being on your own with a particular task. Of course a lot of things you have to accomplish on your own but that doesn’t mean you can’t have other people involved in moving towards completion.

If you are having trouble with starting something than either look to see if you can get someone else on your side, either to do it with you, an exercise schedule is more often kept to if shared, or find someone to whom you can give your word about your intentions and who will be, gently, on your case.

What is it you have delayed doing for too long?

What do you have trouble starting?

Try getting someone else involved and see if it makes a difference.

Five minute action plans.

We have all had times when, faced with something that needs doing, even something we want done, we seem to lack the energy or motivation to get started. On some occasions it’s because the time is just not right for us and so we need to postpone our action, maybe making a mental note of when to start. But there are also times when we are just feel a bit tired or unmotivated while at the same time having a sense that once we get started we will be pleased.

A five minute action plan is a way of testing that state. If you make an internal promise to yourself that you can stop after five minutes a lot of the negative thinking about tiredness falls away, you can always keep going for five minutes and that’s all you are asking of yourself.

So, if you give it your best shot you might well be surprised at how much you can achieve in five minutes of concentrated action and at the end of that time you will have a better sense of wanting to keep going or of feeling it’s right to stop.

Today you could test that out with something you have been putting off.

The tigers and the strawberry.

There is an old story of a man walking across a field when suddenly a tiger appears and begins to give chase. The man runs but the tiger is closing in. As he gets to a cliff edge he grabs a trailing vine and jumps over to escape. Holding on as tight as he can he sees the angry tiger prowling above him. In the valley some 20 feet below there are two more tigers seeming to wait for his fall. He looks to his side and two mice, one white and one black come out of a crevice in the cliffside and begin gnawing on the vine he is holding. As they chew the vine starts to come apart and he knows he is going to fall. Just then he sees a single strawberry growing just a short distance away from him. Holding the breaking vine with one hand he reaches over to pick the strawberry and put it in his mouth. He is overwhelmed with the taste, he has never eaten anything so good.

This is, of course, a metaphor; it’s a story about the importance of living in the moment and very few of us can or ever will be able to live in the here and now to that degree. But sometimes, in our busy lives, it is good to stop for a moment to check we are fully involved in whatever it is we are doing.
Sometimes the involvement is more important than the activity but how often do we spend time deciding what we want to do and then forget to enjoy it to the full because we are planning what to do next.
How often do we not have pleasure in the moment because of some unresolved issue in the past or some thought for the future?

Today you could look out for an unexpected strawberry and really get to taste it.

A better way to argue.

Genuine disagreements are an inevitable consequence of living in a society and/or of being in a relationship. Of course it’s quite possible to get on well with someone but see some things differently from them, although that seems more difficult when it involves groups of people, ethnic groups, special interest groups and even more tricky for nation states. It seems the more distant we feel from other people the easier it is for us to see them as wrong and sometimes even as bad. The more people involved the more difficult it can be to find a resolution.

You have probably heard others say ‘If the entire world became…’ or ‘If everybody followed…’ and there may be some truth in that, it’s certainly our differences that cause our conflicts. But then you may also have heard the phrase ‘there will always be wars as long as families quarrel’ and I think that’s also true. It seems that if we can move towards dealing with genuine disagreements with those to who we are close we may end up contributing to a better model of genuine co-existence.

Being able to argue the opposite to a belief you hold seems to be a key skill in reducing disagreements, or at least in lessening the emotions associated with difference of opinion. Perhaps next time you are running though a familiar area where you and another person see things differently you could agree to swap sides for a while and explain the point of view of the person who disagrees with you. For sure you will end up with a better understanding of what the opposite point of view to yours feels like and you may both start to feel a little less certain or at least a little less attached to your own position.

Today you could have some fun trying this one out.

It’s very difficult to help someone else without also helping yourself.

For the majority of people reaching out to offer support to another human being gives them a good feeling as well. I’m not talking about the sort of self sacrifice that make people feel they are martyrs; I not referring to the ‘just see what I have done for you’ approach; I’m talking about the sense of connection we feel from our shared humanity when we do something for another person and expect nothing in return. A true act of kindness which seeks no reward.

We may not do it to gain a benefit, we may get nothing back directly except perhaps a ‘thank you’ and sometimes not even that, but we do get a feeling we have expressed something positive about ourselves. There is an underlying and sometimes unconscious message of ‘I’m that sort of person’ which does us good in a world so full of negativity.

We may have many reasons for acting kindly but even if we do so just so we can feel good it’s still a positive act and kindness to another is always worth expressing, whatever the motive.

Today you could do yourself a favour and reach out and help someone else.

© 2010 David Mills.